Emma has left for more than a week. Before she leave, I was so worried that I cannot cope without her and Shayne will miss her. Now after two weeks..... I am coping well… with my SIL help and Shayne is really doing fine without her. Well, I am so glad that Emma is gone. Shayne has picked up a lot of nonsensical behaviour from her. I suppose it will definitely take a few months to undo all that. I must admit that I have not spent enough time with Shayne previously. As such, I have only got myself to be blamed for his bad behaviour .
These two weeks, I realized that Shayne really defies and challenge us. Threats, beatings, yelling don’t seem to work. Just a few days ago, I was so overwhelmed by his nonsense that I almost whack him. I suppressed my anger, walked away and hit the door with my palm instead…. My blue-black palm was swollen for two days. Can you imagine my anger with him….. Well, I told myself that he is only 3.5 years old… calm… patience…more patience…. I just need to walk away for five short minutes to regroup and calm my nerves….. this allows me to handle the situation without yelling at him.
That's the facial expression when he is about to challenge authority........
This is for you Shayne….
These passed two weeks of taking care of you by myself has been very challenging. Yes, very challenging indeed. I screamed and shouted at you for not listening to me, for refusing to understand my instruction… for insisting on your ways …. for not chewing your food…. for being difficult….. etc etc…..I told you that I will place you in another family and take you back a year later….. At this stage, I suppose your brain cannot understand the frustration I am going through when you misbehaved. I beat you and yelled at you… last week, after beating you…. You told me this : “ Mommy, you cannot beat me…. If you beat me, you will not have Shaynny Benny anymore…. And I am not going to tell you anything anymore…. And your hand will be painful…” After a while, you apologized to me for misbehaving. Then I begin to realize that you do understand and actually knew that I am angry. The other day, I accidentally pushed you down the floor mattress while reading to Sean and you. I continued reading to Sean but never realized that you cried silently on the floor. With a tearful eyes you asked me: “ mommy, why do you push me.”. I felt very lousy that you think that I don’t want you. Shayne, despite all your nonsense and misbehaviour, mommy and daddy still love you…. I have to give myself some time, a few more months, I bet come March 09…… I’ll do it very well…… Time, patience and space…….. is what I need now.
Praises, these days I praise you a lot. Your diction may not be clear and you may be babyish at times, but I must admit that among the three of you…. You are the best in terms of thoughts and actions…. In fact, I should retract using this phase “ Do you have a brain… please think and stop doing silly things.” …. Your reply is...” I am thinking, I have brains.” Yes, I can’t doubt it…..you really have brains. You are quick in your thoughts. You are really a fast learner with superb memory. Just a note for your knowledge when you are older… you managed to memorise mommy’s mobile number within 10 minutes … when you are 3.5 years old. After every reading session, I normally give a quiz on your comprehension of the story. You demonstrate a clear understanding and told me your point of view. You think out of the box ….and often comes up with solutions to a problem. These are the things I never tell you …. I yell and scream at you most of the time. I seldom praise you…. I should learn to praise you more. To be honest, I am not worried about your intellectual aspects, I have to work on your character building.
Always remember, we love you. And.... I love being your mommy....
Love mommy and daddy.
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